Yeah, maybe I haven't posted in a little bit...

... but you wouldn't have either if THIS HAD FUCKING HAPPENED TO YOU.

I AM TIRED.
OF GOD.
DAMN.
SURPRISES.

The last surprise was a fucking CAT showing up on my doorstep on my birthday. I think that they expected me to care or something? And I'd love it and cuddle it and then the damn proxies, because they were too TERRIFIED OF ME, would come back in a year and be like
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY I KILLED YOUR CAT."

So I PUNTED the little sucker off my doorstep. The proxy sitting in my tree looked at me, utterly HORRIFIED, and ended up giving it to the family across the street after he was SURE I wasn't going to come out and-

Wait, I did beat that one over the head with a giant salami, didn't I?

Anyways.

So I've got a houseguest, as you could EVER SO OBVIOUSLY see. Her name is Sept, and she...
We worked together as Agents, and to be honest, lady looks like a man. Not only a man, a HOT man, and she's too polite to ever correct you about it. Some find it endearing, I find it annoying. This kid is too shy to even stutter out her own name half the time.

So, of course, she sticks to me like a bad cold.

I was expecting her, of course; how much of an idiot do you people take me for?(andifididn'twhothehellisgoingtocallmeoutforit?) She has a key; don't even FUCKING ask me why, and the moment she stepped through the door, two pistols were against her head.

I said "Oh, it's you."

Old habits die hard, I guess.

She started to cry.

CLASSINESS TO THE NTH DEGREE, TOM.

So after a good amount of her GREIFING ALL OVER MY HOUSE and me TRYING TO GET A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET, she told me she had been living out of the back of a van before it got stolen.

... what?

And that it apparently had the words "Free Candy" spraypainted on the side.

WHAT?!?

GREAT TROLL, YOU HAVE HONESTLY OUTDONE YOURSELF.

So I've got a partner for when we leave in a few days. I've got my first lead of increased activity.

Meet exhibit A.

Christ. Is it just me, or do these people sound... laughable? Ah well. Only really going to figure out what happened anyways. What happens afterwards...

Aaaand why am I even thinking of that? It's doubtful that they'll survive long enough for me to get there. Only reason I hope they don't is because corpses can't speak. Otherwise, I couldn't care less.

And Sept? I'll say it again; use your own FUCKING blog. I'm not in the mood to go through this thing and delete anything, so it's all as-is, people. That being said, if I see you post again here then EVEN YOUR COOKIES WILL NOT SAVE YOU.

We'll keep looking for others while we're moving. Path travel can be a little weird if you're taking the long route, but hey; at least there's nice scenery-

Nah, I'm fucking with you. In all seriousness, it's going to be BORING, and we're probably going to be utterly and totally FUCKED.

... part of the fun, I think.

Expect the unexpected, all you fools out there.

--Tom